This post is hard to write for me. However, I have come to a breaking point. This past holiday season, for the first time ever, I provided a customer an order that was of crap quality. On top of that, the order was more than 3 weeks late, according to my policies. While I did give the customer a full refund, prior to shipping, this experience really opened my eyes to how I’ve been attempting to function at a much higher capacity than I, or possibly anyone, can manage.
Because of this, I have put my store in “Vacation mode” and will only be accepting custom orders until August 2018—Grad school will be complete, and it’ll be one less thing on my plate.
This experience has also really made me look at my mental health. As I’ve written before, I suffer from Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. Last summer, I spent 2 weeks in an intensive therapy program 6 days a week, and then 3 weeks following in therapy 3 days a week at a psychiatric hospital. It was a great experience, and I learned a lot, it’s not one I’d like to repeat.
The combination of the two is not wanting to do anything, but freaking out and feeling guilty for it.
It’s waking up every morning giving yourself a 10 minute pep-talk to get out of bed followed by 15 minutes of deep breathing so your heart doesn’t beat out of your chest.
It’s pushing through the morning routine to just end up crying in the car to the point you can’t see through the tears to drive.
It’s needing a day off and feeling like you’re letting everyone down, as well as assuming judgement from others due to the inability to fight hard enough that day.
It’s taking medication on a regular schedule knowing a missed dose can easily set you back 2-3 days.
It’s having to fight to armies who are both fighting you together while simultaneously fighting each other.
It’s a nightmare ending in waking up to fight the same demons day after day with your eyes open.
It’s trying to practice “self-care” and realizing that it isn’t all pedicures and candy bars; and realistically, it rarely involves “treating yourself.”
It’s giving up things that are just too much. It’s putting things in perspective and reorganizing to make a life worth living.
It’s realizing you need to stop being everything to everybody.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
This includes if you/someone:
- has a desire to die, disappear, or stop existing
- has thoughts on how the act would be done, with or without intention
- has any plan in mind to commit suicide
Self-Care Assessment – Psychology Today
Helping yourself – Mind
List of other resources – Rockwood Leadership Institute